If you have ever watched a romantic movie or read a romance novel, you have probably noticed a common trope – the male lead character sweeping the female lead off her feet with showy displays of his love. While this may make for an enjoyable movie-watching experience, in real life, it can be a red flag for an abusive relationship.
This practice is known as love bombing, which involves using over-the-top displays of attention and affection to influence another person. While it may seem romantic, it is often used as a way to manipulate a person. Read on to learn more about love bombing – and how we can help if you are in an abusive relationship.
Understanding Love Bombing
At its core, love bombing is a way to influence and manipulate another person with excessive (and often showy) displays of love and affection. The term was actually coined by cult leader Sun Myung Moon of the “Moonies,” who talked about always smiling and showing love as a way to convince people to join their church. Other cult leaders – such as Jim Jones and David Koresh – also utilized love bombing to influence their followers. It is also a common tactic used to manipulate people for sex trafficking.
Love bombing can involve a variety of techniques, such as sending flowers and buying expensive gifts. It can also include telling someone that they’re “the one” shortly after starting a new relationship and wanting to have lots of talks about your future together. In most cases, it is a combination of words and actions that are designed to make a person feel loved and valued.
It is natural and normal to want to feel this way. In some cases, a person’s expressions of affection are genuine and continue throughout the relationship. However, when a person love bombs you, they aren’t just expressing their affection – they are trying to manipulate you. The big difference is between a romantic courtship and love bombing is that with love bombing, there is an abrupt change in the type of attention that a person gives you.
There are three phases of love bombing: idealization, devaluation, and discard. In the idealization phase, you are the most amazing, perfect person in the world – their one true love. Devaluation often starts when you do something “wrong” – such as making plans with friends instead of devoting all of your time to your new partner. They might criticize you and become controlling.
For example, in the book It Ends with Us (which we read last year for our Turning Pages book club), the male lead Ryle aggressively pursues the female lead Lily – even knocking on dozens of doors in her apartment building until he finds her. Their relationship is immediately intense, with Ryle lavishing Lily with excessive attention and making grand gestures like a surprise proposal. It doesn’t take long for his jealousy and abuse to begin, however – including physically hurting Lily when he believes that she is being disloyal to him.
During the devaluation phase, many victims of love bombing will work to get back in their partner’s good graces. They might stop making plans with friends, for example, to avoid angering their partner and to try to get back to the place where their partner thought they were perfect.
The final phase of love bombing is the discard. This may happen for a few reasons – the love bomber is no longer interested in their partner, perhaps, or their partner pushes back against the abuse. In some cases, the love bomber is discarding their partner as part of the manipulation, with plans to get back together with them in the future. The discard often comes as a complete shock to the partner, especially because it wasn’t that long ago that their partner was expressing that they were “the one.”
Signs of Love Bombing
So how do you recognize love bombing? There are a few common signs that you may see:
They declare that you are their soulmate early in the relationship and/or start telling you that they love you within a few weeks. While it is possible to feel strongly about a person early in a relationship, it can also be a red flag for abusive behavior.
They pay you exaggerated compliments and idealize you. This might include talking about how perfect you are and how you must have been made just for them.
They want to be in constant contact to an extent that may be overwhelming. Again, it can be normal to want to talk a lot when you are first dating someone – but nearly constant communication (much of which includes over-the-top compliments) can be a warning sign.
They talk in detail about your future together very soon after you start dating. This is often in the form of a declaration, not a conversation about your future – such as “when we get married, we will go to Hawaii for our honeymoon,” when you have only been dating a few weeks.
They buy you gifts. While giving gifts can be simply be thoughtful, a love bomber can often buy gifts in a manipulative way – such as buying expensive gifts that you can’t afford to reciprocate or even paying for living expenses to make you beholden to them. These gifts may also be showy – like huge bouquets of flowers sent to your work – as a way of making you feel special.
Some of these things could be part of a regular dating relationship – such as wanting to spend lots of time together. Love bombing often feels overwhelming, however. If you are uncomfortable with how fast the relationship is progressing, you can ask your partner to stop and slow things down a bit. If they push back or ignore your requests, it is a good indication that they don’t respect you – and that their affection is more about manipulation than actual love. Pay attention to both their words and actions to get a better sense of their true intentions.
How We Can Help
Love bombing is a form of emotional abuse. It can often lead into other forms of abuse, including financial exploitation and physical abuse.
If you are in an abusive relationship , we are here for you. You can reach a trained crisis counselor anytime at 1-888-832-2272 (TDD available). All calls to our hotline are free of charge and can be anonymous.
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